


Synopsis: Two of Hearts

by dairesfanficrefuge_archivist



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Meta, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-31
Updated: 2003-12-31
Packaged: 2018-12-18 07:19:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11869317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist/pseuds/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist
Summary: Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived atDaire's Fanfic Refuge. Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDaire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile.





	Synopsis: Two of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Daire's Fanfic Refuge](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Daire%27s_Fanfic_Refuge). Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Daire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/dairesfanficrefuge/profile).

Two of Hearts

**TWO OF HEARTS**

This is the episode no one talks about much... or even wants to think about. It's a family secret, hidden, tucked far away on the back shelf in the closet of Highlander memorabilia. An aberrant anomaly. A dropped stitch in the fabric of the Highlander universe. 

It's not a bad story; it's put together nicely. It's just not Highlander! It has no Highlander, nor any of his friends or acquaintances. It's mere filler, like cereal in a hot dog. 

Enough metaphors, already. 

However, in my quest to do all 119 of these episodes, I will not shirk from this one...much as I loathe the task. 

I tried to vent my frustration as I watched this...this... 'Thing'-masquerading as Highlander-always anticipating the sight of a familiar face...Duncan, Amanda, Methos, or Joe. A mere mention of their names would have been welcome. 

As you know, I was doomed to disappointment. There were legitimate legal reasons for the omissions I have since learned. Sigh! 

_**New Characters:**_

**KATHERINE** \- of indeterminate age, but already Immortal when she challenged Bartholomew in 1270. His request for a tithe was exorbitant and, not content with killing her- he didn't have a chance to take her head-he destroyed her village. 

**BERTA SYMES** \- Katherine's mentor in her village. 

**THE BARON** \- greedy landowner who owned the land upon which, the village sat. 

**BARTHOLOMEW** \- Immortal who profits by asking for charitable donations and pocketing the proceeds for his own use, then and now. His type is, sad to say, still with us. 

**NICK** \- Katherine's present day mortal husband. 

**BERTRAND** \- present day cop. 

**CARUSO** \- affluent man, probably Mafia big shot, who owes Katherine and Nick for rescuing his daughter. 

**CHECCO** \- Arms dealer, works for Caruso, played by Pablo Picasso's grandson. 

* * *

Chicago, Present Day   
A Deserted Plant or Factory 

In a large wire cage,   
An armed man to guard her,   
She sits terrified-   
Of the fears that bombard her.   
Her mouth is taped shut,   
She can't make a sound,   
Afraid to look up,   
So, she stares at the ground. 

But Katherine and Nick-   
Tracked her to this place,   
Where she's held for ransom.   
They're closing the space-   
Between them and her.   
More guards are in play...   
Katherine takes aim-   
And blows one away. 

Another one's closing!   
Nick aims in mid-air!   
Fires both his guns,   
Bullets zoom everywhere.   
That guard is down,   
Fresh from this attack...   
Nick chagrined to see Kate-   
With a gun at her back. 

The guard from the cage-   
Now threatening Nick...   
'Drop the gun or I'll kill her,   
Better do it real quick.'   
'Shoot her!' says Nick,   
In a tone of disgust,   
'I _mean_ it, I'll _kill_ her,'   
Shouts the guard, now nonplussed. 

' _Drop_ it!' 'No, _shoot_ her!'   
At each other, they shout.   
'I'll do it _myself!_ '   
Nick takes Katherine out!   
As her body jerks back-   
With the force of the blast,   
She knocks the guard over.   
Nick has him, at last. 

From the floor, he can see-   
Nick's steady advance.   
This guard is so stupid-   
He thinks there's a chance.   
He tries for the gun-   
That fell at his side,   
One blast from Nick-   
And he's nullified. 

Nick pauses, to look-   
At his beautiful Kate...   
Lying dead on the floor-   
But, he cannot wait.   
He must find the prize-   
They've come here to track.   
Besides, Kate's Immortal,   
She'll soon bounce right back! 

The terrified girl-   
Now freed from the baddie-   
Nick and Kate will return-   
To her grief-stricken Daddy.   
Kate's a bit peeved-   
'Cause her loving spouse-   
But a bullet hole through-   
Her Armani blouse. 

The teaser is over,   
On with the show.   
Who are these people?   
We're curious to know.   
How do they fit?   
Benign or adverse?   
In the puzzle of Highlander's   
Strange universe. 

All's well with the intro,   
The Highlander's walking-   
Out from the mist,   
As we hear Dawson talking,   
'A warrior, a lover...'   
We're anxious to see,   
What the newest dilemma-   
Of our hero, will be. 

Outside 

Caruso's so thankful-   
To see his sweet honey-   
He offers a suitcase-   
Loaded with money!   
'Thanks, but 'no thanks,'   
They refuse with a smile.   
'Your kid was in trouble.'   
Says he, 'You've got style.' 

But Nick plucks one bill-   
To buy a new blouse.   
Expenses incurred-   
So Katherine won't grouse.   
'I owe you.' Caruso-   
Insists, pointedly...   
And slips Kate a note-   
He thinks Nick can't see. 

Nick and Katherine's Bedroom   
Later, that Evening 

She's a tiger in bed,   
A sex lunatic.   
Breathless, Nick asks-   
'Where did you learn that trick?'   
'The Kama Sutra.'   
'You _read_ it?' 'Oh, better...   
I posed for its drawings.'   
That's an appetite whetter. 

(Now Amanda, of course-   
Could surpass her, methinks.   
On second thought, what-   
Has become of that minx?   
Haven't heard her name mentioned-   
Once... _this whole season!_   
The powers that be-   
Better have a good reason!) 

We rejoin the blithe pair,   
As they finish round two.   
(The acts they perform-   
Are indecent to view.)   
Now they're relaxed,   
Nick reminds her, they've planned-   
A Bahamian vacation..   
Sun, palm trees, and sand. 

Whoops! A slight hitch.   
There'll be a delay.   
'Something's come up,'   
She says in that way-   
That Nick understands-   
'An Immortal's involved,   
We'll do it together.'   
Nick has resolved. 

Paris 

But _no!_ She determined-   
She'd do this alone.   
Wouldn't put Nick in danger,   
So she has flown-   
To Paris! Hooray!   
She's here to seek out-   
The Highlander's barge,   
She'll need the Boy Scout. 

Mission for Kids 

Alas! Not to be!   
This plot's on the skids.   
We're bombarded with pictures-   
Of malnourished kids!   
A slide show, in fact,   
Bartholomew presenting.   
Three sisters of charity-   
Endure his lamenting. 

Kate walks to the desk.   
No appointment has she.   
Confronts the receptionist,   
Bold as can be.   
'Are you expected?'   
Kate volunteers,   
'Just for the past-   
Seven hundred years.' 

She shoves past the desk,   
To the slideshow, she runs.   
Bartholomew's startled-   
As are the three nuns.   
'Do you have an appointment?'   
His eyes scrutinize her.   
'Think hard!' she demands.   
Soon he'll recognize her. 

Flashback, Northern England, 1270   
A Hut in a Small Village 

We see a young woman,   
Suffer pregnancy's stress,   
Writhing with fits,   
From a fever's duress.   
(It looks like a village-   
That might house Amanda-   
Ceirdwyn...or Grace...   
Maybe even Cassandra). 

In vain is our search-   
For a face that we know.   
Only Berta and Katherine-   
Are at home in this show.   
Berta's a Healer-   
With comforting ways,   
But, Katherine has knowledge-   
From more ancient days. 

The young woman's seizures-   
Become more severe.   
Frets Berta, 'We'll lose her...   
And the child too, I fear.'   
But Katherine has brewed-   
A strange herbal tea,   
St. John's wort and yellow root,   
It works-one, two, three! 

'Yellow root's poison!'   
Berta presses to know-   
How Katherine was sure-   
It would make the fits go.   
'Just something,' says Katherine,   
'I learned as a child,   
How to cure ills-   
With plants from the wild.' 

Berta's astonished.   
'Five years have passed-   
Since you've been my student,   
But I have amassed-   
More wisdom from you-   
Than I ever gave...   
You're the true Healer,   
With the knowledge to save.' 

'It's _you_ that healed ME!'   
Katherine contends.   
'I was weary, alone...   
Adrift without friends.   
Then I met you,   
You made me feel part-   
Of your home, and this village,   
With your loving heart.' 

A small silver cross-   
Adorns Berta's throat.   
It shows that its wearer-   
Will always devote-   
Her powers of healing-   
To all who are ill.   
To the village, a symbol,   
Testament to her skill. 

A stranger arrives.   
He's addressing the folk.   
A plea from His Holiness,   
Meant to evoke-   
A commitment to ride-   
Off on the Crusade.   
Katherine's appalled-   
At his pompous tirade. 

His name is Bartholomew,   
He's Immortal, as she.   
'To this chosen village,   
The Lord has sent me.   
Jerusalem is captive.   
Ride now to free it!   
Your souls will be saved,   
I guarantee it!' 

'Join with the baron,   
On his holy quest,   
Give all that you have-   
And come, you'll be blessed.'   
'A quest after _death?_ '   
Katherine's cry pierces through,   
'You question G-d's _will?_ '   
'I'm questioning YOU!' 

The villagers watch-   
With quiet trepidation.   
The baron has posted-   
A new proclamation.   
Katherine alone-   
Knows how to read it.   
She does, then advises-   
That no one should heed it. 

The baron requires-   
One half of the harvest-   
As tithe, so that he-   
Can fund this bizarre quest.   
'I cannot believe-   
G-d wishes this so!'   
She rips down the parchment!   
To the baron she'll go. 

'The baron is busy.'   
Bartholomew's drear.   
He's controlling the baron,   
That much is clear.   
'The tithe is excessive!   
How many must die...   
So you can be rich?'   
Is Katherine's cry. 

Bartholomew's smug-   
'Bout this quest of his.   
'We'll see,' Katherine says,   
'What G-d's will _really_ is.'   
She pulls out her sword-   
And prepares to attack,   
But an arrow...from behind-   
Pierces her back! 

'How fortunate, we-   
Were happening by.'   
The baron's not troubled-   
To see Katherine die.   
He orders his guard-   
To take Katherine out.   
'She was a witch.'   
Both agree, without doubt. 

'Bury her well.'   
Urges Bartholomew.   
The baron assures him.   
That's just what he'll do.   
Then they walk off,   
Plotting still more,   
How to get rich-   
By tithing the poor. 

Back at Mission for Kids 

'Now I remember,'   
Says Bartholomew.   
'I'm busy right now,   
But a lunch date will do.'   
(They'll eat with their swords)   
'I'm on Level One,   
We'll meet at noon.   
(He intends to have fun.) 

Parking Garage, Level One 

Kate's there on time,   
Says she's impressed-   
At the elegant way-   
Bartholomew's dressed.   
His Holy Mission-   
In Hong Kong arranged-   
To clothe him in style-   
He hasn't changed. 

'Faith, hope and charity,   
My weapons, you know.'   
'Spare me,' she sneers,   
Says he, 'Don't think so.'   
Kate draws her sword,   
But, alongside him stand-   
Two thugs with guns!   
They await his command. 

Just as he gives it,   
A car screeches in!   
Nick has arrived-   
To save his Kate's skin!   
Gunfire's exchanged-   
'Tween him and the pair.   
Kate jumps in the car-   
And they race out of there. 

(Behind some thick pillar...   
Or car...there must lurk-   
One or two Watchers,   
Busy at work.   
Will they tell Joe,   
This Bartholomew slime-   
Puffed and blew smoke-   
Saying, 'Here's to next time?') 

Kate and Nick's Paris House 

'Caruso told me...'   
Nick admits, 'what you planned.   
I saw him slip-   
That note in your hand.'   
Kate knows Nick to be-   
A persistent sleuth,   
So, she has no choice-   
But to tell him the truth. 

Flashback, Northern England, 1270 

After Kate died-   
She was dumped on a mound...   
Of corpses who'd share-   
One hole in the ground.   
While the baron heaped praises-   
On good old Bart's head,   
(Such a noble, unselfish-   
Christian life he has led.) 

The baron entreats...   
Will Bartholomew stay?   
No, he'll take the tithe-   
And be on his way...   
To assemble more pilgrims-   
For his holy quest,   
Keeping their gold-   
In his personal chest. 

'The village blames _you_...   
For their Healer's demise.'   
(Bartholomew, slyly-   
To the baron, implies.)   
'The king would be wroth-   
At a peasant revolt.'   
This unsettling news-   
Gives the baron a jolt. 

'An example!' says Bart,   
'All peasants must see-   
They dare not oppose-   
His Lordship's decree.'   
Yes, humbling Katherine-   
Was Bartholomew's aim.   
She awakes to a village-   
Massacred and aflame. 

She wails Berta's name-   
Made wretched by grief,   
Recalling kind Berta's-   
Fervent belief...   
That Katherine was meant-   
The true Healer to be,   
Now the village is gone...   
Destroyed, totally. 

The cross Berta wore,   
Katherine plucks from the dirt.   
She'll hunt this scum down,   
Make him pay for this hurt.   
'Halfway across Europe,   
I was right on his tail.   
Then he faked his own death-   
And I lost the trail.' 

'Throughout all these years-   
He would surface, to squeeze-   
Money from wars...   
Famine, floods, refugees.'   
Now a series of clips-   
From old episodes...   
Is that Joe Dawson-   
As the landmine explodes? 

Wars, battlefields,   
We've all seen the ones.   
Is that Mac with the kids-   
And Cambodian nuns?   
'He was his own-   
Most favored charity,   
Pocketing donations-   
With selfish barbarity.' 

'Now he's in Paris,   
Same scam, same trick...   
Let's get a line-   
On his money,' says Nick.   
'Don't want his money,   
I just want his head!'   
'But that money could feed-   
Many babies, instead.' 

She's forced to agree,   
Knowing it's true,   
Glaring at Nick-   
With a fake, 'I hate you.'   
(It looks as if they're-   
Gonna go it alone.   
No help from MacLeod-   
Not even by phone). 

Bartholomew's Office 

Working together-   
They shrewdly invade-   
Bartholomew's files.   
His password...'Crusade.'   
Swiss bank account...   
Stocks, bonds galore.   
They seem to have found-   
What they're searching for. 

But, suddenly-   
Their invasion must cease,   
Cut short by loud shouts-   
'Freeze! We're police!'   
Red-handed, they're caught,   
They'd better comply-   
And lift those red hands-   
Weaponless, to the sky. 

Police Headquarters 

Inspector Bertrand-   
Sighs with distress.   
Despite spotless records-   
They appear to possess-   
Dozens of passports,   
Credit cards...many!   
Money and weapons,   
Permits? Not any! 

'Who are all these people?   
So many names...   
Why are you in Paris?'   
'Vacation.' Kate claims.   
Nick offers, 'Let's just-   
Cut to the chase.   
We've given you numbers,   
Swiss accounts you can trace.' 

Bertrand spells out...   
His stakeout's now trash.   
'The Swiss account held-   
Barely six thousand cash.   
You've ruined nine months-   
Of investigation.   
Your meddling destroyed-   
Our entire operation.' 

Bartholomew's Home 

'Thank you so much,   
That makes my day.'   
Bartholomew's been phoned-   
The entire play by play.   
'They'll be out in ten minutes,   
Their guns confiscated.   
_She'll_ be unarmed,   
That makes me elated.' 

A Safe House 

Their luggage is packed.   
Escort on its way-   
To drive Nick and Kate-   
To the airport, today.   
Bertrand stays stuck-   
To the couple, like glue.   
Suddenly, Kate's aware-   
Of a Buzz...what to do? 

'Do you have a gun?'   
Bertrand says, 'No.'   
'Get upstairs! _Quick!_ '   
He refuses to go.   
'Stay back from the door!'   
Once again, he refuses.   
Gambling his life-   
On mistrust...and he loses! 

Bart and his goon-   
Blow Bertrand away!   
Nick pulls Kate upstairs-   
As shots ricochet.   
When they get outside,   
Nick chastises Kate,   
'This wouldn't have happened-   
If with me, you'd been straight.' 

Kate answers, 'What this-   
Should have been about-   
I'd pop in and kill him-   
Then quickly get out.   
When you showed up-   
My plan was dissolved,   
In an Immortal fight-   
You cannot be involved!' 

It's the old story,   
They cannot ignore...   
When Immortal loves mortal,   
We've seen it before-   
With Duncan and Tessa,   
Rebecca and John.   
Immortals must fight,   
While their lovers look on. 

'You knew what I was,   
From the moment we met....   
The Game has its rules,'   
She reminds him, upset.   
'And Kate...you know _ME!_   
Can I sit on my ass-   
When you might get whacked?   
Can I be that crass?' 

'Nick, the Immortal-   
Part of my life...   
Can't involve you!'   
That cuts like a knife.   
'Kate, either I'm-   
In your life _all the way,_   
Or I am _gone._ '   
Is all he can say. 

'For now, we must deal-   
With the problem before us,   
What do we need?'   
'Guns!' They both chorus.   
Kate has eighty francs-   
For a long-distance call.   
Guess they won't contact-   
MacLeod, after all. 

A Carnival Site 

Checco arrives-   
With guns from his boss.   
As a bonus he adds-   
Some of his Rosa's sauce.   
'I love Polonaise,'   
Kate smiles, 'Tell Caruso...   
We're even.' Says Checco-   
'He already knew so.' 

Bartholomew's Home, The Library 

'We lost them,' laments-   
Bartholomew's goon.   
Bart's certain that Kate-   
Will arrive, very soon.   
'In troubling times,   
It's helpful to look-   
For comfort and solace-   
In the Good Book.' 

In his safe, lies a Bible,   
He holds it intently,   
Stroking its binding,   
Ever so gently.   
Inside, a can's nestled-   
In a hollowed out space,   
Thirty million in diamonds-   
Buys a great deal of grace. 

Outside 

Nick, gun in hand-   
Through Bart's window peeks,   
Behind him, Bart's guard-   
Carefully sneaks.   
The gun locks and loads,   
Nick well knows the sound,   
So, he raises his hands,   
Slowly turning around. 

' _Shoot him!_ ' The guard-   
Hears Kate's voice behind him.   
Startled, he swivels-   
But, her kicks realigned him.   
Soon he's unconscious,   
He only looked tough,   
Nick admires her work,   
'I love when you're rough.' 

Inside 

Bartholomew's planning-   
An extended vacation.   
'Till she's lost the scent.'   
Then the Buzz's sensation-   
Alters his plan.   
An end to evading,   
With his sword and his shield-   
He's going crusading. 

Outside 

Grim-faced they meet,   
As Immortals must,   
Old debts will be settled-   
By a sword's pointed thrust.   
As they engage,   
Nick enters the house-   
To seek out the fortune-   
Amassed by this louse. 

Bart's faithful goon,   
Still guarding his treasure...   
Shoots! Nick goes down,   
Then is kicked for good measure.   
But, he is not dead,   
Though shot in the chest,   
'You are Immortal?'   
'No, a bullet-proof vest.' 

Nick head-butts the goon-   
Into quiescence.   
Then sees, on the floor,   
Sparkling with iridescence,   
An abundance of diamonds,   
Scattered and twinkling,   
But right now, he'll go-   
To where swords are clinking. 

Outside 

Day became night-   
But, the battle's not done.   
Nick stands in the doorway,   
Aiming his gun.   
'NO!' Kate commands.   
Nick must not interfere!   
This fight will be won-   
By the rules, that is clear. 

Bartholomew sneers,   
'How charitable of you!'   
But of true charity-   
He hasn't a clue.   
She slices his gut.   
No more will he roam-   
On holy crusades.   
'Charity starts at home!' 

She shears off his head,   
Nick pulls back inside...   
As the Quickening takes her-   
With a force magnified.   
As the fire flares out-   
By the darkness offset,   
Two circles it forms,   
Like a giant amulet. 

Short Time Later 

She's almost recovered.   
Nick sits alongside her.   
Shows her the diamonds,   
They will provide her-   
With a way to help kids.   
Now it's off to the islands,   
Not one tiny visit-   
To the Scot from the Highlands. 

'Sand, sun and rum.'   
Just as they planned.   
They lovingly kiss,   
Strolling off, hand in hand.   
Queen's closing strains-   
As the credits are viewed,   
Remind all us fans-   
We've been royally screwed. 

Peace, Emit   
© 2003 

~ Indiscretions   
  
---


End file.
